Let's safety!

The modern office is full of hazards and we aren't doing enough to make our employees aware of the dangers they face everyday from seemingly innocuous actions. For example, a simple paper cut can become infected, leading to limb amputation or even death. That is why I propose the following measures to help ensure a safe working environment.

1. Every action item raised in a meeting should be accompanied by a full evaluation of the potential safety risks associated with that action.
2. When a user clicks on a print button they should be presented with a screen which includes, but is not limited to, warning of the potential health implications of inhaling toner particles and the possibility for paper cuts. The user must accept that they have read the contents of the screen before the document will print.
3. All documents should be prefaced by the above warnings and any others associated with activities specified within the document. This should be signed by the reader prior to their continuing on with reading the remaining contents of said document. The text of a document should also be interspersed with messages recommending that the reader stop reading and engage in a set of exercises designed to promote good circulation.
4. For content designed to be viewed on a computer (for example; web pages) the content should be prefaced by instructions for setting up their computer environment to ensure the correct posture and optimal viewing, as well as listing hazards associated with printing the content. The viewer should click an acceptance button before they can proceed to the content. The content should also be interspersed with suggestions for regular exercise breaks.
5. All staff should have a Safe Working Instructions (SWI) document associated with them. This should detail any risks associated with interactions with the staff member, including, but not limited to, potential sources of stress and sensitive topics likely to result in physical or verbal violence. The staff member should ensure that the SWI are kept up to date, including the potential health risks associated with any transmissible diseases that the staff member is currently suffering. To enable the potential interactee to formulate an optimal method of interaction the SWI should include risks associated all possible methods of disease transmission (respiratory, blood, sexual, etc).

I would like to see a work environment where a Health and Safety Representative plays a role in every meeting, in every document written and in every personal interaction that takes place. Let's safety!

The Sauce of all Evil

I've just restarted "The Sauce of all Evil" where I will post what I hope is a humorous look at life and the news.

A new superhero

I have been inspired by the events in Japan to create a new superhero.

Our mild-mannered, slightly nerdy, protagonist is freakishly exposed to a blast of radiation. His skin tingles, his hair falls out, he starts shaking uncontrollably. He becomes...

... Dead.

This, of course, sets things up for a sequel, where a mysterious voodoo priest digs him out of the ground and turns him into a Super Zombie. By day he is a writer for News Corp's Daily Telegraph, eating out his reader's brains, an unsatisfying task considering the small size of them. At night... Well, you will need to buy the comic book for that.

Stand up for an ignorant Australia

I hate Australian politics, but at least it's better than Libya's right now. Here's a song for Tony Abbott's next election campaign.

Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

A place where all our wealth
Comes from digging up the earth
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Workers rights are out the door
Big business always needs more
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Your income will be free
To pay all of Mac Bank’s fees
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For in Ignorant Australia

Where watching a Current Affair
Will fill your head with hot air
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Say no to the married gay
Let the church have its way
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

It was hotter in Jesus’ day
If you’re flooded then kneel and pray
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

If it’s green then cut it down
We prefer the colour brown
[Unless his name is Bob]
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Better for you to be dead
Than be called a tech head
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Say no to an NBN
What’s wrong with a ballpoint pen?
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Never having to say sorry
We’ll rewrite history, don’t you worry
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

We’ll stop the boats
Of terrorists and their goats
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Our border cops will stop the lot
Send them back to be shot
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Except for Pommies, they’re just fine
Although they gave us Bodyline
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

We support the rights
Of all our frightened whites
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Our policies come from Alan Jones
And his callers on the phones
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

All that you need to know
Is tucked up inside my Speedos
Stand up for an ignorant Australia
Stand up! For an Ignorant Australia

Apple delivers again

So Steve Jobs is off for medical reasons again...

A little known feature of the iPhone is the built in genetic sampler. Each person who swipes their finger over the screen gets their genetic code read and sent back to Apple's HQ. There it is compared with that of Steve Jobs'.

Nobody reads software licenses, they just accept them. Someone out there has already received that special message from Steve, having accepted it before they even received it in their inbox. It reads "Give me your liver."

The sad thing is, they'll probably feel that warm inner glow of an Apple user even as the knife goes in, smug in their certainty that Apple knows best and that surely it doesn't matter if they are missing a liver, there'll be an app for that.

They have no choice.

That's why I use Android.

Update: I posted this in another (non Apple) forum and had my post very quickly deleted by a moderator. Proof  (in my own mind) that the Church of Apple brooks no blasphemers and certainly lacks a sense of humour when it comes to their pro[fi|phe]t. I'm laughing at them now. :)

The future of Star Wars

Let me gaze into my crystal ball to the year 2020...

Marking the 100 year anniversary of Charlie Chaplin's silent movie, The Tramp, 2015 has seen a digitally remastered re-release of the movie in cinemas. With its new soundtrack recorded by a popular, but talentless, teen group the film is a critical and commercial success among an audience jaded by poor 3D movies.

Seeking to replicate The Tramp's success between 2016 and 2020 George Lucas rereleases all six Star Wars movies without dialogue and with the characters restored to their original colours (they were all turned blue for the Avatar inspired 3D rerelease a few years previously). Critics have rated the silent rerelease the best yet.

"Jar Jar Binks is actually watchable and Yoda is intelligible," says one critic, "but I missed R2-D2's beeps".

Moving forward

MFlight International reports that Julia Gillard has taken the campaign to outer space. Despite being an atheist she has, pledged to move Australia forward with a Hy(er)Cause.


Caption: The Australians are moving forward with HyShot and HyCause, launched June 2007.

Obviously Flight International made a small error with the caption as it should read:

The Australians are moving forward with HyShot and HyCause, launching Kevin07 into space as our first ambassador to the Universal Nations

The blonde gets blonder

Instead of taking 500 mg of chloroquine phosphate per week to prevent malaria, a 16 year old blonde took the dosage daily during a holiday in Costa Rica. One week after her holiday her hair turned even paler.

I wonder if any brain cells died in the process.

Reported in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Hughes having fun with the election?

Normally elections bore me to death. Noisy advertising and lots of emotive promises devoid of any rational thinking behind them.

But this year it's different in the Shire. No more Danna "John-Howard-is-like-a-father-to-me-we-will-be-out-bred-by-the-Muslims" Vale. And our electoral boundaries have been extended outside of the mostly racially pure Sutherland Shire to include chunks of, wait for it, Sydney's lawless South West. You always know that if a news report begins with "gunshots were fired" it will end with "in Sydney's South West".

I should know. We've been living on the border between The Shire and The South West for years now. That's why I am able to live in a partly Asian household as the borders are somewhat porous.

Unfortunately, the effects of extending the electoral boundaries are now apparent. The Labor candidate Brent Thomas' home in Engadine and electoral office at Moorebank were both shot at. As we all know, the Hobbits of the Shire only have access to Aussie flags, utes, and broken bottles of VB when it comes to weapons, so it is obvious that the deed must have been done by out of towners. Not fellow members of the Labor party as Mr Thomas would otherwise have been a victim of a midnight knife to the back.

Anyway, now that it's vale for Vale, the Liberal candidate is a Mr Craig Kelly, whose ugly mug has been appearing on street sides all around our area, looking like a typically trustworthy real estate agent or used car salesman. But thankfully for Mr Kelly he's got some great admirers/supporters, including a Malcom KY who refers to him as a his goddess (see the comments at the end of the article).

I can't wait to see who will make up the rest of the ballot paper for Hughes!

Exciting news from Apple

Wasn't Steve Jobs' press conference last week so EXCITING? I, for one, was thrilled by to see Apple add value with the addition of a phone cover to their standard iPhone 4 package. Apple are again leading the world in innovation. They have REDEFINED the mobile phone cover. These babies are going to GO FAST. I bet there will be long queues in front of the Apple Store with fellow Apple lovers who bought an earlier version of the iPhone 4 lining up to get their covers. I'm sure Microsoft will releasing a cover for their wanna be Windows Phones any day now, but you can rest assured that it won't match the iPhone 4 cover's functionality, good looks and sex appeal. The iPhone 4 cover is definitely a MUST HAVE item for the cool phone user.

In other news, I hear that Apple are considering Mel Gibson for their new television commercials. Why Mel for a Mac? Well, he definitely isn't PC.

A message from the Oil Industry

Following on from the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico the Oil Industry would like to assure citizens that it is working as hard as possible to ensure that such events will not take place in the future. As events show, the release of underground oil can have devastating consequences for the environment. That is why we are working to extract as much oil as possible from these underground reservoirs and converting it to harmless substances such as plastic or carbon dioxide. These processes will ensure that future generations will no longer risk causing climate change through the burning of oil.

The ABC of BBC Comedy and TV

I'm excited to see that the ABC will be screening Psychoville from May 5. It's a black comedy from the creators of The League of Gentlemen, a very weird comedy of which I own all the DVD's. I watched the first episode of Psychoville on its very first screening last year while in London and couldn't wait to see more. 

Right now I'm enjoying the repeats of The Young Ones on Tuesdays on ABC2. It's utterly insane and absurdist comedy, so unlike the self-serious nature of most else on TV. Naturally, I can't watch it live, but fortunately the Playstation3 PlayTV recorded size is only about 1 gig so I can copy the files off the PS3 and on to a flash drive and watch it on my laptop in bed after everyone else is asleep.

PlayTV is set for the "other" region thanks to those stupid Australian Freeview restrictions that don't allow copying of programs out of PlayTV. It means that I can't record or view SBS using the PS3, but I have other recorders that can cope with that.

I also required the free VLC media player to watch the recordings on my PC's. I used to be able to use Windows Media Player, but something changed.

I recorded an episode of the new Doctor Who series on my laptop using my DVICO FusionTV usb dongle. The streamed file was over 10 gig in size! The included converter software fails on attempts to convert the software, but maybe that's just the small amount of free space left on my hard drive.

I'm really enjoying the new Doctor and the episodes, though you can tell that the producers were fans of the Tom Baker era. I do wish that the composer Murray Gold would reinstate "the middle 8th" in the main theme as it is my favourite bit of the music. We ended up watching the first episode on iView. We had it on the big television, then Alex decided to race around with his noisy toy lawnmower, then the mother-in-law arrived to interrupt us. We tried to play it later but Alex was woken up and started crying. ABC's iView is a pretty cool application and the quality was quite decent.

Little Li's Pig's Blood Cakes

We are considering visiting Taiwan just so we can eat this popular and fragrantly chewy and soft snack available at the Gongguan Night Market. Or maybe for other reasons instead.

Check out other interesting food, like Frog Hits Milk, in Taiwan Tourism's North Area Street Eats guide.

The other Time Lord

After a reasonably short delay (for us) we managed to watch the first part of the latest Doctor Who episode The End of Time. Timothy Dalton's appearance confirmed something I've long suspected: there is another Time Lord on Earth and he is not The Doctor or The Master. His name is Bond, James Bond.

I wonder if his TARDIS is disguised as an Aston Martin.

The future of digital cameras

Now that the megapixel war is coming to a close (it's pretty pointless going beyond 10 megapixels in most consumer cameras) the digital camera manufacturers will have to compete on other features. One such feature is automatic image enhancement. I foresee the day when digital cameras will be equipped with the equivalent of Adobe Photoshop built in. Human subjects will be automatically de-blemished and airbrush enhanced.

With a touch of a button freckles, wrinkles, sunspots and cellulite will be banished from the photo.

Shortly afterwards we will see a campaign by celebrities to make such features compulsory in all cameras and unable to be switched off, especially by the paparazzi. Women's mags will then be forced to Photoshop blemishes back into their photos in order to fill their pages with Shocking Photos of Celebrity Cellulite.

Mock Nobody - Television Star

You can catch my (probable) Logie award winning performance as Mock Nobody on ABC television's Catalyst science program or watch the video online. It may not be a speaking part, but my lugging around of an ancient Toshiba laptop computer was crucial to the portrayal of the whole wifi patent case. I'm sure that a movie deal is just around the corner!

Taken out of context

I'm going to upgrade varnish to the latest version. If that doesn't
work I will switch to using squid.

Petrol of a good vintage

In France they convert surplus wine into ethanol for use in biofuels. In Australia many petrol stations sell E10 fuel, petrol with up to 10% ethanol content.

Our Mazda 626 requires either premium unleaded or E10 fuel, and this must be the case with many of the more expensive European vehicles. It has just occurred to me that there might be a business opportunity here in selling premium E10 containing ethanol sourced from wines of a good vintage. Can you imagine running your Renault or Peugot on E10 sourced from wheat? Surely it would run smoother on a good French wine? Or your Mercedes on a fine German Moselle. Even your Fiat's fuel economy would improve with a fuel from Italian grapes.

Oh, and while your at it, would you like to purchase some tablets that improve your car's fuel efficiency?

Unknown gripped poop

A Google automatic translation of sightseeing spots are Yanai in Japan.

I know I can't wait for a very much dry detention because I axed my mother first, gripped by unknown poop.

The television tax

We pay for our public broadcasters, the ABC and SBS, through our taxes. Is this so different from the commercial stations? Each time we buy an advertiser's goods we pay a small fee towards their television advertising budget, and thus towards the commercial stations.

Just think of your money going towards reality television. Do you mind so much paying your taxes now?